Ind vs SL – 1st test

A scene from the principal’s office, somewhere in India

Ah yes, you. come. come. Sit down, please.

You know why you’re here, don’t you?

Arre, please. Of course, we both know why we are here.

It’s good for you to be good at cricket. Even something you can be proud of. We can understand and allow that. But why do you always have to take it to this extent? Why can’t you feel when it’s enough?

what do i think WHAT DO I THINK? Breaking up that poor Sri Lankan team is what I mean. This is not the first time. Or another time. Don’t think we didn’t notice.

Opens a file

You know what Sri Lanka has to deal with, right? You should already know this. Their home opportunities…

He lowers his voice. Listen, they haven’t had a coach in over two years. It is a very pathetic situation. More than ten coaches in ten years. Just like a revolving door …

Not to mention their administration. In this match you hit 574 runs in the first innings. Among all my top officials, I can’t even gather that much brains … I feel so rude to even say such things. But you get the picture.

And your Ravindra Jadeja. Oh my God. By itself, he scores 175 without a car. You don’t let them score even that much for the whole team in the first innings. As if that wasn’t enough he takes nine doors. NINE. Can you imagine? In more than 129 overs, the whole of Sri Lanka took eight, yaar. Can you perhaps explain this behavior? These people are your neighbors. They must have some dignity, right?

Achieving all these races and after they obviously chose the wrong attack for this field, and their fast bowler Lahiru Kumara broke down on the first day. He has been injured in the middle of a test three times in the last three years. We’ve known for years that they had these problems, right? Did you know that they have banned clapping on the boom in their team because they are worried they will get injured at the end of their careers?

Hey. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. This is not funny.

Today we also got news from our sister school that the women’s team also hit a neighbor today. Nice little operation you have between the two of you, isn’t it? Well done.

Look, just have a little mercy, right? Even your number 8 has five test centuries. Their number 7 – this Dickwell counterpart – collected four more ICC lag points than centuries.

Look at your attack, too series. You have R Ashwin which is the best offspinner India has produced. You have this crazy Jade. Then, if that’s not enough, this wicked Bumrah character who will bowl full of full yorkers, and send some nasty bouncers, and if that wasn’t enough, bow your evil little cutters and slower balls. What a twisted mind this guy must have. And Uncle Shami who bowls fast also throws balls into the bases. You saw it, didn’t you? How did he hit one in the stump and bring the captain of Sri Lanka – their best hitter – into such a mess that he brought him to the goalkeeper?

What will you do after this match? Go and throw rocks at some puppies? Get together and make fun of chubby kids? Please stop. Please know when to stop.

What?

What are you going to do next week?

Will you play them in the pink-ball test ?!

With your attack? Against their top order? Get out. I can’t stand looking at you. Get out of my room now.

Andrew Fidel Fernando is a correspondent for ESPNcricinfo from Sri Lanka. @afidelf

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